For my capstone project, I wanted to highlight one of the SLA core values that I have grown in throughout my years at SLA; collaboration. My capstone inquiry question is how can students take advantage of CTE programs as a way to collaborate and create something to help those in the community? I decided to explore this question through a documentary exploring accessibility in CTE programs. I documented the journey of collaborating with Amjed and Mashrur, and how we created a harness that will have an extended third arm and leather patch working to make it easier for Mashrur to film in his DigVid class. Collaboration is truly the heart of my documentary. This was inspired by the environment in the engineering room whenever I would work on the vest with Amjed. I not only was collaborating with him, but also everyone else in the room who was working on their own individual capstones. It was the first time I thrived in a space where collaboration flourished and genuinely had a good time. To me, this documentary is a reflection of this project that we have been working on for almost two years. It’s a way to look back and reflect on our experiences collaborating with other students who are in CTE programs and how impactful these programs at SLA really are.

Documentary: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1waSXgYgRgbupgQLbWxnztWLDKqjBuVrS?usp=sharing

Annotated Bibliography: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wv-9wQNVgNdiygW2AA2WMwFTOaN29mZ6_nSq0okFex8/edit?usp=sharing

In One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Kesey creates a rule-abiding and caged atmosphere in the psych ward. The narrator, Chief Bromden, tells the story through visions and hallucinations that help the reader understand characters at a deeper level. One major delusion that is relevant to understanding the power dynamics in the ward is the fog machine. Bromden claims that there is a fog machine that is controlled by Big Nurse and the staff. “Before noontime they’re at the fog machine again but they haven’t got it turned up full; it’s not so thick but what I can see if I strain real hard. One of these days I’ll quit straining and let myself go completely, lose myself in the fog the way some of the other Chronics have […]” (37) I think the fog symbolizes Big Nurse’s authoritative manipulation and getting lost in the fog means losing sight of reality and individuality. We can see that Bromden is a Chronic but he still fights through the fog and doesn’t want to lose himself in it. But even though he doesn’t want to give in to the fog, he also doesn’t want to escape the fog. Bromden considers the fog a safe place where he can hide from reality. “That’s what McMurphy can’t understand, us wanting to be safe. He keeps trying to drag us out of the fog, out in the open where we’d be easy to get at.” (112) The patients are aware that they are being manipulated by Big Nurse, but they stay in the fog because it’s safer than trying to make sense of everything on their own and rebelling against Big Nurse.

I find myself relating to Bromden and the patients. Growing up, I always obeyed my parents and I never questioned their authority. To me, everything they said went and they knew what was best for me. I think that in a way, this contributed to my people-pleasing tendencies because I was always rewarded for following their rules. As I grow older, my view points don’t align with theirs as much and I start to want different things in life. But because I grew up constraining myself to follow their rules, speaking my mind and rebelling against my parents was something I avoided. I decided to stay in the fog of obedience of my parents and in result, never had to deal with the consequences of rebellion.

I would like to think that my compliance is something I choose for myself, but the hard truth is I’m scared of facing the disappointments of the real world. The actions I make will always have consequences but if I make them on my own, I won’t have the safety net of my parents to fall back on. This is something the patients in the ward also experience. They rely on Big Nurse and view her as a mother figure. They remain loyal to her during the first half of the book when they are in the fog because they see her as someone who is selfless and gave up her life to care of their “insane” selves. “Our dear Miss Ratched? Our sweet, smiling, tender angel of mercy, Mother Ratched, a ball-cutter? Why, friend, that’s most unlikely.” (54) In this quote, Harding defends Big Nurse as McMurphy tries to pull the patients out of the fog. McMurphy shows them the many signs of her manipulation, but the patients refuse to agree with them or take action against her power because of the safety they feel under her fog of authority. It’s Big Nurse’s job to make them feel less crazy, even if that means being caged and controlled. It is only when they see McMurphy succeed to rebel without getting sent to the Disturbed ward that they feel propelled to speak out and step out of the fog.

McMurphy inspires the patients to act on their initial desires to rebel against Big Nurse. Even though he is also a manipulative person, it’s justified because he strives to unite the patients to fight against mistreatment that he also personally experiences. Big Nurse is manipulative in a way that divides the patients so she can have more control over them. From McMurphy I learned that rebellion is extremely important for stopping unhealthy patterns of authoritarians. “The residents, the black boys, all the little nurses, they’re watching her too, waiting for her to go down the hall where it’s time for the meeting she herself called, and waiting to see how she’ll act now that it’s known she can be made to lose control […] There’s no more fog any place.” (129) Big Nurse’s perfect facade that she has been putting up has finally cracked. The fog, and fear that lingers with it, disappears once the patients realize that Miss Ratched can lose control, just like them. We tend to view authority figures as superior and fail to notice they are human as well. Once we take them off a pedestal, we will find the courage to express our individuality and the strength to face the consequences of doing so.

The relationships between women in Gilead are complex and have layers. We see how these women interact with each other and how they perceive each other through Offred’s perspective. The complexity of these relationships is a product of how Gilead society views women. In a world where they pick and choose the value of each woman based on their title and fertility, friendship has become a luxury and a form of rebellion. We can see different versions of this in Offred’s relationships with Serena Joy, Ofglen, and Moira.

When we take a look at Serena Joy and Offred’s relationship, it’s clear that society has set them up to dislike each other and their resentment towards each other stems from jealousy. Even though Gilead claims that they are one through the Ceremony, they are two women being forced into an arrangement that neither woman would choose to be in. For Serena, a younger and youthful woman is having sex with her husband right in front of her, and for Offred, Serena is a woman who is living the comfortable life as a Wife that she doesn’t get to live. Offred initially liked Serena Joy. “I was disappointed. I wanted then, to turn her into an older sister, a motherly figure, someone who would understand and protect me.” (pg.16) We see that Offred craves that female friendship from Serena Joy and she held onto the hope that Serena would’ve been different if they met outside their circumstances. Offred’s hate for Serena grows the more she lives in the regime of Gilead, therefore having that initial hope diminished.

Ofglen is a handmaid Offred is paired with when going to the market. At first, Offred was very critical of her and clearly did not trust her. She looked down on her in many ways and always thought of her in a negative light. Friendship in Gilead society is restricted and almost non-existent because everyone is anxious about who they can trust. They had to speak in very restricted ways that caused them both to perceive each other as a true believer. Once they both look each other in the eye, they both realize that they are non-believers. “‘I thought you were a true believer,’ Ofglen says. ‘I thought you were,’ I say. ‘You were always so stinking pious.’ ‘So were you,’ I reply. I want to laugh, shout, hug her. ‘You can join us,’ she says.” (pg.168) Once they don’t follow the rules of Gilead, we see another glimpse of connection when Offred states that she wants to hug Ofglen. Offred is invited to be a part of something bigger than herself and is offered a new friendship that is exciting and hopeful. These friendships have formed groups of unbelievers that push back against the ideologies of Gilead and break through the walls men in power have put up to isolate the handmaids.

Lastly, Moira is Offred’s oldest friend from “Before”. They are like sisters and they understand each other on a deeper level. Moira to Offred is someone she looks up to and values because unlike Offred, Moira makes bold choices and refuses to follow the rules. She managed to escape from the Training Center and where she ended up was both a mystery and something the handmaids had faith in. When Offred finally meets Moira again, it was during a night out with the Commander. “‘It’s all right,’ she says, to me and to the other women. ‘I know her.’ The others smile now, and Moira hugs me. My arms go around her, the wires popping up her breasts dig into my chest. We kiss each other, on the cheek, then on the other. Then we stand back. ‘Godawful,’ she says. She grins at me. ‘You look like the Whore of Babylon.’ ‘Isn’t that what I’m supposed to look like?’ I say. ‘You something the cat dragged in.’” (pg.242) Offred and Moira have these gleeful moments that almost feel normal and find joy in each other in the midst of this oppressive society. These moments make everything seem better, showing how female friendships are a source of strength during an oppressive time. This shows how much these women need each other in their lives to relate to, talk to, and laugh with. They find connection in a world that wants women to be as disconnected as possible. Old, new, and possible friendships represent hope in dark times and keeping these friendships alive is one of the biggest forms of rebellion.

In The Handmaid’s tale, flowers hold an important role in the telling of the story about women and their offspring. Offred, who is a handmaid, mentions tulips multiple times throughout the book. Tulips represent the handmaids and their fertility, as well as their pain. “The tulips are red, a darker crimson towards the stem, as if they have been cut and are beginning to heal there.” (pg.12) This is the first time Offred mentions tulips and the reader’s introduction to the tulips are these beautiful flowers that are wounded in Serena Joy’s garden. We also make the connection between the handmaid’s red dresses and the red tulips, so for this art piece, the handmaid’s dress is the tulip itself. Tulips are alluring and desired, yet their color signifies blood and wounds. “The tulips along the border are redder than ever, opening, no longer wine cups but chalices; thrusting themselves up, to what end? They are, after all, empty. When they are old they turn themselves inside out, then explode slowly, the petals thrown out like shards.” (pg.45) Tulips in full bloom represent their fertility. It’s the only reason Gilead society values her body. She knows that even though the tulips look beautiful and appealing once fully bloomed, they are going to grow old and be thrown out once they aren’t in bloom anymore. Her body is disposable once she is infertile.

Unlike the handmaids, the Commander’s Wives in Gilead are infertile, yet protected. Dried flowers represent the Commander’s Wives who are infertile. In this art piece, Serena Joy’s blue dress is a dried up flower. Dried flowers are displayed and still valued. “The tastes of Serena Joy are a strange blend: hard lust for quality, soft sentimental cravings. There’s a dried flower arrangement on either end of the mantelpiece, and a vase of real daffodils on the polished marquetry end table beside the sofa.” (pg.80) These dried flowers are held in a vase, signifying that even though they are dried, they are not seen as disposable. We also see how desperate Serena is to be a fresh flower through her scent: Lily of the Valley.

Both women envy each other. Serena Joy envies Offred’s ability to bloom and create life, whereas Offred envies Serena’s ability to keep and take care of her own garden. Offred once had a garden, representing how once she used to be in control of her body and the children she conceived. We can see this through her daughter that lives in her memories. “It smells of me, in former times, when I was a mother.” (pg.47) The garden in the background of this art piece symbolizes freedom and birth. Serena grows a garden outside of her house, but inside, all of her flowers are dried up, symbolizing how in reality, she cannot conceive a child. “The Commander’s Wife looks down at the baby as if it’s a bouquet of flowers: something she’s won, a tribute.” (pg.126) The children that the Handmaids conceive are seen as flower bouquets, furthering the connection of flowers and life. In contrast, Offred has a desire to steal a dried up flower. “I would like to take some small thing, the scrolled ashtray, the little silver pillbox from the mantel perhaps, or a dried flower.” (pg.80) Offred is jealous of Serena Joy’s ability to be infertile yet secure and protected, which is why she flaunts her ability to create life while pitying, as well as shaming Serena in her inner monologue.

https://www.wevideo.com/view/2604974488

In my previous Slate Post, I talked about how eating plant based is better for animals, our human health, and reduces climate change. Consuming less meat or avoiding meat altogether could change our lives, other’s lives, and the world we live in. I promoted vegetarianism and I understood how hard the change could be, to go from eating everything to eating fully plant based. Before coming up with my idea for my Agent of Change, I came across a list of organizations and resources that you can donate or share with other people to raise awareness for eating plant based. I think supporting vegan/vegetarian organizations is another great way to educate yourself and others. It’s for a good cause and unlike my vegetarian challenge, it’s not limited to only SLA students, anyone can sign or donate.

For my Agent of Change, I decided to create a Vegetarian Challenge where I encourage students at SLA to eat all plant based or attempt to eat all plant based for a week, in hopes of introducing the vegetarian lifestyle and bringing awareness to the harmful things eating meat can do. This idea first came to be when I questioned, how can I get people to physically change their diet and what they eat, without forcing them to go full vegetarian. That’s when the idea of a challenge popped into my head. A low pressure, vegetarian challenge that could help people arrive at the first and hardest base of vegetarianism; actually eating all plant based. The rules were to try to eat all plant based for five days while keeping a food log of all the things you ate during the week. At the end of the week, participants will receive a google form they have to fill out and turn in their work logs.

I know how hard it is to have enough commitment to eat all plant based and resist meat, so I thought, maybe participating in a challenge will help motivate others to stick to that diet for a week and see how they feel physically and emotionally. It was really nerve wrecking organizing a challenge but in the end, everything fell into place. It was my first time being the creator of any type of event, and I would say it has been very interesting being on the other end of something. From the responses I got back, I think my Agent of Change has been really effective. Most of the participants felt physically and mentally better. I decided to do more research on how eating plant-based food can affect your mental health and according to this article, certain foods can either increase or decrease anxiety and depression. The foods you eat play an important role in your mental health and well being. Eating plant based releases serotonin, making you feel more positive because plant foods are high in antioxidants. Meat and animal products are high in arachidonic acid, which will create a chemical reaction in our bodies that can increase anxiety, stress, and depression. I also felt like it was a success because most of them said they would consider being a vegetarian after the challenge. Even if they didn’t want to go vegetarian after, I think it’s great that they are now aware of the situation.

I’m really happy with how my project turned out. My project wouldn’t be this successful if the students of SLA didn’t step up and volunteer to participate so I really appreciate everyone who participated in this challenge! I was so lucky to have people who were vegetarian see my challenge in the advisory memo and request to spread the word of my challenge to their friends.

Something I learned about myself while working on this project was that I could handle the pressure of organizing a challenge or a program. I learned to not doubt myself and to believe that I am capable of making a change, no matter how small or big my actions are. I think something I could’ve done better was reach out to the participants more. I kind of felt disconnected after I introduced the challenge. If I could do this project again, I would have a mid week check up on the participants or maybe send encouraging words, just something to show that I want them to do good. There is still a lot of change we need to promote in order to convince everyone to eat plant based, but overall, I think my project was a successful way to reach out to the SLA community.

Annotated Bibliography

When you were younger, have you ever gone to a petting zoo? Do you remember your young innocent self being fascinated by cupping your hand and letting those adorable baby goats and piglets eat pellets out of your hand? You would laugh as it’s tongue tickled your hand and you were so content and happy. If that was you, flash forward to now. Do you still have that love and contentment for animals? Cows, pigs, chickens, turkeys, and all the other animals you pet at those petting zoos are [highly intelligent creatures] (https://www.lcanimal.org/index.php/campaigns/other-issues/veganism) that live [short, fearful lives] (https://navs-online.org/articles/veganism-animal-rights/) in extremely tight crates in modern factory farms. You can start to answer this question by looking down at your plate during dinner.

The [image] (https://sentientmedia.org/slaughterhouses/) above displays terrified, dirty, and cramped pigs waiting to be killed at a horrifying slaughter house.

For this project, I was drawn to vegetarianism and animal cruelty because I was very passionate about compassion for animals, and I myself ate plant based. I would watch videos about animal cruelty and think back to those summers when I would go to a petting zoo and cry because my parents wouldn’t let me keep this one baby pig that I loved so deeply. These videos shattered my heart and that’s all it took for me to not eat meat. But I know that not all people are like this. Not all people care about animals like I do, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person. My goal for this project was to bring awareness to the extremely negative outcomes of eating meat. Going into this research, I encouraged vegetarianism because it’s ethically wrong, but the more I got deeper into this topic, I realized that it’s not just about killing animals.

Animal agriculture doesn’t just affect animals, it’s what animal agriculture is doing to us humans and the earth all wrapped up in one. Some people might take it as gratitude and compassion towards animals, but eating meat from animals is also largely contributing to global warming and terrible for our human health. We can attack the topic of eating meat from so many different areas: Compassion, climate crisis, and human health. There are so many red flags that point humans away from consuming animal meat but they choose to ignore it for a short euphoric state of enjoying a medium rare steak. People don’t want to lower their meat consumption because they think they have to be fully vegan and master commitment, but the truth is [lowering your daily meat consumption] (https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2020/jun/19/why-you-should-go-animal-free-arguments-in-favour-of-meat-eating-debunked-plant-based) will help the environment tremendously. There are many more layers to vegetarianism than you might think.

The first point I wanted to hit was compassion. Animals are just like us, they are living breathing creatures with the same pain tolerance as humans and consciousness. The only difference between humans and animals is that animals are incomplete. Animals can’t use words like, “Hey, human! That really hurts and I am extremely in pain and uncomfortable.” Us humans take advantage of this incompleteness because animals can’t speak for their rights in this human dominant world. Animals are injected with hormones and live in horrifying conditions in factory farms. This is why us humans have to speak up for animal rights because they can’t for themselves. Meat eaters never see the horrors of slaughterhouses in the average animal product industry. The documentary [“Earthlings”,] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gqwpfEcBjI&t=1652s) directed and written by Shaun Monson, really put eating animal meat in a different perspective. The film stated, “Killing an animal is in itself a troubling act. It has been said that if we had to kill our own meat, we would all be vegetarians.” What if as humans, we ate our own kind, and we had to go through all the suffering in animal slaughterhouses? We would have a choice right? To eat our own meat or switch to a vegetarian diet. Of course we would choose to go vegetarian because it is the most humane thing to do and we would do this to save our own skin. Why can’t we do the same for animals? Humanizing the animals and seeing it through their perspective makes you human, the good kind.

The image above showcases the horrific and unhealthy conditions animals have to face in factory farms. Image credit: [Tia Schwab] (https://www.nationofchange.org/2019/12/04/if-factory-farm-conditions-are-unhealthy-for-animals-theyre-bad-for-people-too/)

It was really interesting seeing this topic intersect and merge with another problem I’m passionate about; the climate crisis. Cutting down rainforests, greenhouse gasses, burning fossil fuels, plastic pollution, and now I can add farming livestock to the list. Livestock production contributes to [15%] (https://www.worldanimalprotection.org/blogs/not-convinced-you-could-become-vegetarian-eating-less-meat-still-better-farm-animals-planet) of global greenhouse gas emissions. This is further than cars, planes, buses, and other forms of transportation put together. Rainforests are also essential to life on earth because they regulate the water cycle on this planet and absorb carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, but rainforests are getting cut down to raise more cattle and livestock. This means, [for every 257 hamburgers produced every second, one football field of rainforest is destroyed.] (https://www.happycow.net/vegtopics/why-vegetarian)

The picture above shows many examples of how animal agriculture affects our planet and it’s big impact on climate change. Credit: [Cowspiracy] (https://www.cowspiracy.com/infographic)

If you’re still not convinced to switch to a more plant based diet, just know that there are benefits for you too. According to the American Diabetic Association, “Vegetarians have a reduced risk of heart disease, obesity, colon cancer, adult-onset diabetes, osteoporosis, gout, gallstones, kidney stones, lung cancer, and breast cancer.” You can avoid future health problems and stress about medical bills by simply avoiding animal meat. It’s better for the body and the spirit as well. Some people think that we need to eat meat in order to get protein, but the truth is there is no lack of protein. All the protein our body needs can be found in plant based sources like beans, nuts, and whole grains. You don’t have the weight and guilt of eating a living creature on your shoulders to be healthy, and that feels great.

The research I’ve done has really taught me to be open minded. To not expect and have a full picture of a problem in your mind. I went into this research knowing that eating animal meat was ethically wrong, and my goal was to convince others to have compassion for animals and eat plant based. Coming out of this research, my gears shifted and I noted that eating meat is a much bigger problem than I thought, and my interest for this topic expanded. It did not just kill highly intelligent and conscious animals, but it’s also slowly killing our earth and our bodies. After doing this research, it made me realize how important our role is in this situation. How important our actions are, but I know how extremely hard it is to switch to this lifestyle. I remember not being able to resist bacon on a Saturday morning when I first decided to become vegetarian. I knew all the negative impacts it had on animals, the earth, and our bodies, but I still couldn’t hold back. This made me further question if this has something to do with the reward system in our brains. What if some people just can’t stop eating meat because it increases their dopamine level which is the brain’s reward system, even if they know all the damage animals meat can do? I think learning about the brain’s reward system can get me one step closer to help convince others to eat plant based.

[Annotated Bibliography] (https://docs.google.com/document/d/11OZfEtHJE1pv1S6ib5i2BsnjN8tAx580aM9n3JArBVE/edit?usp=sharing)

Death bed - Powfu ft. beabadoobee This song would be playing when Joaquin first talks about Birdie in the book and how they met. On page 53, Joaquin talks about how he met Birdie and the tamales story, then moves on to narrate all the things that lead him to fall in love with her. This song captures the bittersweet feeling of their relationship from beginning, to what he thought was the end. This song is from the perspective of a person on his deathbed, looking back at all the memories they had with the person they loved, wishing that they could spend more time with that person. This song relates to Joaquin because he is in his theoretical deathbed in his relationship with Birdie. He thinks he’s not good enough for Birdie so he breaks up with her, hoping he would be dead to her. He loves her too much to be with her so he takes a step back and thinks he can’t be in her life if he loves her. The first part of the song is, “Don’t stay awake for too long, don’t go to bed, I’ll make a cup of coffee for your head, I’ll get you up and going out of bed.” These lyrics represent Birdie telling Joaquin he doesn’t have to be in his deathbed because she will always be there for him. She will make a cup of coffee for his head and get him up and going out of his deathbed because she loves him and will do anything for their relationship. The next set of lyrics are, “I don’t wanna fall asleep, I don’t wanna pass away, I’ve been thinking of our future cause we’ll never see those days.” These lyrics apply to Joaquin because he doesn’t want to fall asleep and break up with her, but he thinks he has to. Even though he broke up with her, he still loves her so he has been reminiscing about their past but can’t stand to think about their future because he knows they will never see those days. Another line of lyrics are, “My life was kinda short but I got so many blessings, happy you were mine, it sucks that it’s all ending.” This part of the song represents how Joaqin and Birdie’s relationship lasted 263 days, which he knows is a short period of time, but he stated that it was the happiest he has been. He is happy Birdie was once his, and it sucked that they had to break up

Softly - Clairo This song would be playing when Maya first talks about Claire in the book. On page 18, Maya states, “Claire had been a new student at their school last March. Maya could still remember her walking up the front lawn, backpack slung over one shoulder instead of both, like how everyone else on campus wore it. Maya liked her immediately.” This song starts with, “Is it alright to feel this way so early? And in my blood, all the sweet nothings fallin’ in love overnight.” representing how Maya fell for Claire right away. This song is very fun and exciting, just like how Maya was feeling when she was first falling in love with Claire. When Maya saw Claire, she had all these pure-hearted feelings about the way Claire always had chipped nail polish and how her hair never had split ends. This song is very light hearted and innocent, just like their relationship. The lyrics “Touch you softly, I call you late at night, no doubt it isn’t right, but you could be my one and only.” represents how Maya states on page 19, “She loved the way Claire’s hand felt in hers, how her skin could sometimes feel like the softest, most electric thing that Maya had ever touched.”

Fear - Current Joys This song would be playing when Maya’s parents tell her and Lauren about their divorce, then Maya sneaks out and meets Claire. On page 78, Maya states, “She could have every dictionary in the world and it wouldn’t be enough to begin to explain the darkness of that space, the fear of being alone like Grace, unwanted like Joaquin.” This song captures the essence of coming of age and growing up for Maya. The song lyrics, “I never felt it when I was young, I never knew where it came from, now it feels like a hurricane, and it’s so hard to fight the rain.” This line describes how Maya never felt fear when she was younger with her adopted family, but now she’s really scared. She’s scared of being unwanted and feeling alone like Joaq and Grace, because she’s always felt wanted by her family and she was never alone because she had Claire. Now that she is feeling those feelings, it’s spiralling out of control like a hurricane and she can’t stop it. She never felt fear when she was younger because she was adopted into a family that accepted her for who she was, but now when her family is falling apart with her parent’s divorce, it’s like she lost her first line protection. The music also fits perfectly with the emotion of Maya when she’s running away from her house, like she’s trying to run away from her fear and brokenness into the arms of her safe place, who is Claire.

TEAM - BROCKHAMPTON This song would be playing when Joaquin sees Birdie kissing Colin Maller in the hallway toward his english class. This song captures the emotion of this scene, kind of like Joaquin wants Birdie to move on but he wonders if she will ever love the other guy as much as she loved him. When Birdie finally listens to him and moves on, he feels so incomplete and broken, kind of like he doesn’t know what he wants. On page 197, Joaquin states, “Joaquin had thought that nothing would ever hurt as bad as breaking his arm, but he could have broken both arms and legs and it still would have been a drop in the bucket compared to how he felt when he saw Birdie in Colin’s arms.” The lyrics “Evanie, did you lie to him since you were seventeen? How’s he holding up? Evanie, do you cling to him like you would do to me.” This relates to Joaq and Birdie because when he’s seeing her kiss the other guy, he’s like asking “Did you lie to him?” because Birdie stills loves him and he knows it. “Do you cling to him like you would do to me.” this line is saying how Evanie (Birdie) hung onto Joaq after he broke up with her, so he’s wondering if she moved on and if she won’t cling on to him anymore. “Bet he needs you more than I, Evanie.” This lyric is like Joaq; he thinks he’s bad for Birdie and her life would be better without him standing in her way. “You should move on, I swear you’ll be fine, whenever you want, I’ll be your ride” This lyric is like Joaq telling Birdie to move on, saying she’ll be fine, but at that moment when he sees her kiss the other guy, he’s starting to think twice. The music of this song captures Joaquin’s emotions while the lyrics capture his words. His words and the lyrics are saying that Birdie has to move on, but the music and the tone sounds like Joaquin still loves her, like the artist singing the song still loves Evanie.

Out of Love - Alessia Cara This song would be playing when Grace is thinking about Peach and when she’s wondering if Peach will ever hate her like Maya and Joaquin hates their biological mom for giving them away. On page 96 when Peach’s adoption is final, Grace states, “Grace knew that she couldn’t go back, but as she stood in her messy room, one hand over her stomach as if to keep Peach there, she also realized that she had no idea how, exactly, to go forward.” This shows that Grace wasn’t ready to give Peach away permanently. During her pregnancy, she lost many friends, so Peach was really the only person she really talked to, so she really did love Peach. This song is about falling out of love, and this song refers to Grace wondering if Peach will ever love her the way she loved Peach. If she would ever fall out of love for Peach because she basically gave her away. Just like how she wonders if her biological mom loves her. The lyrics say, “I won’t tell you I’m lonely, ‘cause it may be selfish.” This lyric refers to Grace feeling lonely because she lost all of her friends and most importantly Peach, and she thinks telling her parents would be selfish because she felt like she let them down already by being pregnant. The lyrics also say, “Nothing can fill up this space.” which can refer to Grace once saying she felt so empty inside without Peach. Nothing can fill up the emptiness of her heart after giving away Peach. She knew she didn’t want to give away Peach because she loved Peach, but she just couldn’t keep her. The lyrics, “I won’t ask you to hold me, cause that won’t mend what’s helpless.” represents how Grace feels towards her parents. She doesn’t need her parents to hold her because it won’t change the fact that she had to give Peach away to make her parents happy.

Yellow - Coldplay This song would be playing when Grace and Rafe are sitting on top of the roof of Rafe’s car and they almost kiss. It was a moment in their relationship that really showed that they both understood each other and cared deeply about each other. This song captures both of them feeling infinite on page 168, “ ‘You want to sit up?’ ‘Not yet,’ Grace said. ‘You got it,’ Rafe said, then looped his arm over her shoulders more comfortably. ‘We’ve got all the time in the world.’ They didn’t, of course. Grace chose to believe Rafe anyway, as they sat together, lying in wait at the edge of the world.” In this song, they are singing about “Yellow” and yellow is a bright color and brings you hope. Rafe is Grace’s yellow, which is why this song is perfect for this moment in their relationship. Rafe is the one person that listens to Grace and doesn’t run away from her imperfections. Rafe has a deep understanding of Grace and in this moment, they both knew they were supposed to kiss like in the movies, but Rafe knew Grace wasn’t ready.

Stay - Gracie Abrams This song would be playing when Joaq is in the car looking at his baby pictures and he’s thinking about the fight with his parents. He then gets out of the car and finally calls Mark and Linda “Mom and Dad”. I think this song is perfect for this scene because it’s a very bittersweet song and it fits Joaq’s relationship with his parents perfectly. The beat is kind of like a stopwatch or a timer, so this song is like Joaquin looking back at his baby pictures,looking back at the times when he was with his bio-mom, that he doesn’t remember. This is when he realizes the time he has been wasting with Mark and Linda, with not wanting to be adopted. The song starts with the lyrics, “You told me something when I left but I don’t remember, maybe cause all I could do then was stare at the floor.” This line represents all the times Mark and Linda have told him they loved him and wanted to adopt him, but all he could do then was stare at the floor. This line can also specifically refer to the part of the book when Joaq fought with Mark and then he left, and he doesn’t remember what Mark and Linda told him. Linda tells him during the fight on page 200, “We just want to help you, we want to be there for you. We want you to have the world, Joaq! We want so much for you!” The line, “I held myself cause you wouldn’t all wrapped in my sweatshirt, wonder if you even noticed that that one was yours.” reflects on how Joaq perceives family. He always held himself and kept his embrace to himself because he thought no one else would all wrapped up in his presence and so called love. “Wonder if you even noticed that that one was yours.” I think this line is reflecting on how Joaq thinks that Mark and Linda only adopted him to look good, and not for love. On page 201 during their fight, he says, “ ‘Oh yea? You think I don’t see how people look at us when we’re out?’ Joaquin felt his chest tighten just thinking about it. ‘These two white people who rescued the poor brown kid.” It’s like the line saying Mark and Linda were wrapped up in the sweater they thought was Joaq’s love, but really, they just loved how they looked with Joaq. While Grace, Maya and Joaquin were driving back, he was filled with so much emotion, from sadness, happiness, guilt, worry, relief. Mark and Linda were there, waiting for him with open arms. The line “We can try to go back where we started.” refers to Joaq regretting his fight with Mark and he just wants to start clean and go back where they started. On page 182, “But then Mark was reaching into the car and undoing his seat belt and pulling Joaquin to his feet, and then Linda was there, too, wrapping her arms around both of them, and Mark held him steady and said, “It’s okay, it’s okay, we’re not angry,” and Joaquin hung on to them so tight that his arms ached and he thought that this must be what forgiveness felt like, pain and hurt and relief all balled up together, pressing against his heart so that it might burst. ‘Dad,’ he whispered. ‘Mom.’ Joaquin’s parents just held him tighter.”

When I was younger, I wanted to be a rock star. I wanted to be a teenage rock star living a double life. But here I am now, a teenager, living in a time during covid-19. I decided to write a love letter to my electric guitar because when I think about covid, the first thing that comes to mind is growth. I feel like in some ways my electric guitar has taught me so many things. It taught me to find beauty in a hopeless place. When covid first hit the world, I was terrified. I would sit at home overthinking everything. Over thinking about death, my family and friends, and thinking about everything that can go wrong. I have really bad anxiety and usually how I cope with it is by hanging out with my friends, but now with covid, I can’t escape. There was no one I could turn to and covid was was corrupting my mind. This was also the time when I haven’t played my electric guitar for a little over a year. I remember I’ve always been interested in music, ever since I was about two years old. When I decided to learn electric guitar, I was so passionate about it I would put all my time and energy into learning new songs and melodies. But once school started, my electric guitar was left untouched. I wanted my letter to capture how much music helped me get through these hard times that were extremely rough for me. My passion will always be my safe place, and covid really amplified that hypothesis making it more true every single day. When I first played my electric guitar during quarantine, I was really rusty. I was so focused on getting it right that I perfected a song in one sitting. I wasn’t thinking about covid for the first time ever. I was at peace for the first time in forever and that’s when I realized that music was truly my first love. When I was younger, I wanted to be a rock star. But who would have thought that I would just be a normal teenager, playing her maple amber wood guitar in a world full of catastrophe. So if I ever fulfill my childhood dream of being a rock star, thank you covid for helping me fall so deeply in love with music all over again.