Best Personal Essay ever- My Struggle with Anxiety

I’m Justin Stewart, a junior that attends Science Leadership Academy. During the first quarter of my junior year at SLA, my class and I would take vocab quizzes every other week.  It sounded easy to most people but was it really easy? For me, it was a struggle because of the anxiety that I have. Anxiety is a mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with someone's daily activities. My anxiety first started in fourth grade. We had to do group presentations about what we found while researching how light bulbs worked. It was my groups turn to go up and that’s when my anxiety kicked in for the first time. “Justin lets go” my friend said as I continued to stare at everyone in the classroom. At that moment, I came up with an Idea. I decided to pretend that I was sick and ask to go to the nurse. Surprisingly It worked and my teacher let me go to the nurse.

Before every vocab quiz, we had to write down the words that she posted on canvas in the back of our notebooks. Then we had to find the definition and write a sentence for the word.

On the very first vocab quiz, I was feeling confident because I spent that whole week studying. I thought that I was going to pass it by getting a 10 out of 10,but I was wrong. As my teacher, Ms. Pahomov, wrote the words on the board, I felt really nervous and was afraid to take the test. There were some words that weren’t coming back to me. “You may begin” Ms Pahomov said. I spent the first 20 minutes just staring at the paper. I couldn’t believe that I forgot the words so quickly and so easily. After about 20 minutes, I began to try my best. I started with the words that I remembered then tried to figure out the ones that I had forgotten. Before I had known, time was up. “Put your test in the middle of the table” Ms Pahomov said. As I put my test in the middle of the test, I realized I did it with fear in my eyes. I knew that I didn’t do too well on the test. We then were asked to grade our classmates papers as well, and as we started to grade each other’s quizzes,  I zoned out. I couldn’t focus on grading the test that I had. All I could focus on was who graded my test and what they would think of me.

The next day, I went on canvas to see if she graded the quizzes and she did. I got a 5 out of 10. I did better than I thought I was going to do, but it still brought my grade down. “How can I bring my grade up?” I thought to myself. I then thought about the 2fer essays that she assigns us every week, the weeks that we don’t have vocab quizzes. The 2fers could be about anything as long as they weren’t in first person. I took these essays as opportunities to bring my grade up. Completing  one of the 2fer essays, and I got an 18 out of 25. It wasn’t too bad, but I knew I could do better.

The week after the 2fer, we had another vocab quiz assigned and my anxiety immediately kicked in. But this time I wasn’t scared, I was just nervous. I wasn’t afraid to take this test because I knew some of the words already. So I was even more confident than before,ut I slacked the whole week and didn’t study a lot. When I walked into the room, all I could hope for was the words that I knew were on the quiz so I could at least get some credit on the quiz. When Ms. Pahomov wrote the words on the board, none of the words that I knew before the test were on there. At that moment, every last bit of nervousness crawled back into my body. My hands started to sweat and my heart started to beat really fast. “You may begin.” Ms. Pahomov.” It felt like deja vu all over again. I couldn’t believe that I was getting nervous again. While I was taking the test, the words were coming back to me, or I thought.

The next day I went on Canvas again to see what I got this time. This time I was even more nervous and scared to look at my grade than before. I haven’t seen my grade yet, but I already knew that I did worse than the first quiz. I got a 4 out of 10 and my grade dropped again but not as much as I thought it would. I then thought of the same method I used last time. I then started thinking about my next 2fer topic. I worked even harder than I did on my first 2fer and I did slightly better than I did last time. I got a 19 out of 25. It was better than last time, but once again, I knew I could do better. I had no anxiety when it came to writing the 2fers. I began relying on them to bring my grade up.

The week after our second 2fer was the week for our third vocab quiz. When Ms. Pahomov revealed the words in class, I felt even more confident than the first two vocab quizzes. I felt like the words were easier to remember.  I spent that whole week studying and this time I made flash cards to help me remember,ut they still didn’t help. By the time I got to the classroom, I forgot some of the words. Now my anxiety was even more intense than last time. “You may begin” Ms Pahomov said. As usual, I started out with the words I knew.  That brought my confidence up. But then the words I forgot took my confidence away. I felt like it was happening all over again. Me being somewhat confident in myself, only to get let down in the end. I was tired of it. By the end of class, I was so depressed that I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I went straight to advisory and sat down.

What I learned from this experience is that quizzes are not my strong point.  No matter how much I prepare for them, they will always be a struggle for me because of my anxiety. My anxiety has been going on since fourth grade and I still don’t know how to overcome it. It would prevent me from being comfortable with talking to some of my classmates and doing presentations in front of them. Over the years my anxiety settled down a lot. But it’s not fully gone. When I first started school in Kindergarten, I didn’t talk to anyone because I was afraid to. But now here I am in 11th grade and I am more comfortable when I am talking to people.