A sphynx walks in front of me. She sprouts hair side by side. She suffers from death to the left of me, behind me she´s forever intertwined. 9th grade, I entered SLA doors afraid of what was to come. After the summer institute, the feeling of reassurance was high, but I knew things would shift in time. One by one I met other students, later on discovering a more exuberant side of me that laid dormant as if it was the secret behind Chamber B of the Padmanabhaswamy Temple. Negative altercations led to the truest friendships and I exposed this side of me to everyone. I first put it to use in the library, then in class, and finally with the upperclassmen. My personality was at its peak and I soon began to realize this side of me has always been visible, just wasn't accepted by others as much so here.

As time passed I began following a daily routine, around five every morning I would wake up with my eyes virtually glued shut, equilibrium off balance, and the feeling of two bushy tails brushing against my legs as I try to make my way to the lavatory. Splashing some water onto my face and staring into the mirror in a daze, fantasizing about my desired future university. A small exchange of words for an act for a group project quickly became a game of me running through the halls. While others never understood what exactly was occurring, the individual on the other end always did. Eventually, everyone came to know me as the guy who runs through the hall and soon almost everyone understood the reasoning of it just being plain fun. I had friends now, most upperclassmen. They always provided me with the feeling of acceptance, which was never done by anyone outside of my household. It was like I felt happiness for the first time again. While I was overjoyed for this, I still had a contradicting feeling. A shadow that constantly hovered over me, filling me with nothing but fear. The feeling of being alone, insignificant, and a complete waste of time appeared erratically. The feeling that I was always doing something wrong.

Moments passed, laughs were exchanged, until the year finally ended when my mistake appeared vivid. I barely heard from anyone. It was like we never even really existed. As I paced outside late at night swatting the gnats that lingered among the streets like hungry predators waiting for their time to attack, my curiosity increased. Contemplating the feeling I couldn't quite pinpoint before, but now appeared so obvious. The feeling of neglect and obscure, one that I as a child experienced all too well. I cried for many nights and pondered through many mornings. It was heartbreaking to know I wasn't considered as important to them as I considered them to me. Memories of family members leaving came and went by the hour. I relived every awesome memory of me with them and I questioned everything.

¨What did I do wrong?¨

¨Is this just a repeated cycle?¨

¨Was I nothing more but a source for entertainment?¨

I've grown attached to them. Weakened by them in the most disgusting way possible. Emotionally. Depression returned and since then I vowed not to let this happen again. A game that was once a simple act of playfulness and immaturity, now used as a way of defense and disguise from others and myself.

Summer came and went, my mother came from and returned to the hospital causing me more stress than I believe she knew when sophomore year finally began. The first few weeks I observed everyone. Putting a mental labels on people that I could possibly get attached to who could make me relive the miserable feeling I had at the end of freshmen year and throughout the summer. Covered by my reputation for running through the halls freshman year, I was able to run away without the slightest sign of confusion from the individuals on the other end. Of course, this made them laugh, and surprisingly I was ok with this. Basically killing two birds with one stone, I gave others happiness and an interesting high school experience while at the same time keeping myself emotionally hidden. Unfortunately, something that's confusingly hard for me to do is lie. And it wasn't long until others wanted to know the reason for me sprinting away from them every time they came into view.

I was caught multiple times but coached by my eagerness to stay emotionally hidden. When asked, I said whatever came to mind first. Since scenes from my neighborhood replayed themselves in my head constantly, I used what I've witnessed and defined them as. Thugs and gangsters. I used the words ¨gang banger¨ many of times and shockingly I was able to navigate throughout my whole sophomore year with literally those two words. All I had to say was that and run and people would laugh and without question continue on with their day. Of course, like I said, it's incredibly hard for me to lie. And they saw right through that and soon demanded to know the real reason why. I couldn't tell them that I actually cared for them right? I mean, first and foremost, I know they wouldn't feel the same. They never do. I felt bad. I went back to my old ways of  ¨putting myself in their place¨ routine. I gave them things, wrote nice messages on the holidays. In my own slick way, trying to demonstrate love and friendship but never really confirming it. I gave things to people I barely knew just to even out the playing field so it would become less noticeable. I wanted them to know they did nothing wrong but for that, they would have to know the truth. While going through all this I saw an option of change, some hope that it would be different this year. My hands shook, my sweat glands unlocked, and my heart rate sped up. I gave me secrete to one of the seniors. As the year went by things continued to be the same. My depression soared, I watched my mom fade away before my eyes causing me nothing but agony, and me running from people I loved but I know wouldn't feel the same continued. But I waited. I waited to see if that one person I gave my secrete to would see my reason of action and at least make the effort to stay in touch and provide me with the feeling of acceptance once again. This never happened, ensuring my dark thoughts to be valid. But in a way, I was somewhat ok. For I have left her with the burden of a truth that no one would dare to believe.

As a child, I was taught to love others. Take them into account on every decision I make and consider them family. And yet inevitably, we are forced apart. Sometimes the bond of friendship is not a bond forged by choice. In fact, some would see friendship as a terrible burden. As the summer went by I replayed the memories from sophomore year mentally. The smiles I created that I will never see again with a mixture of dark thoughts that made me realize the obvious. Everything happens for a reason. While I thought this was making me weak, it was indeed making me stronger. It helped me to develop a line between me and them that was only beneficial to me. Which, I must admit, isn't a strong line but it's there. My mom had surgery and was granted a second chance reminding me of the saying ¨ Enjoy it while it last¨. Reassurance of the definition of life appeared clear. I now know that everything doesn't last forever. And there will come a time when I am truly alone. And for the first time in years, I´m actually ok with that. I won't lie, I am afraid. I've been threatened, beaten, and in a way neglected. Little did I know those things would make me more powerful and resistant now more than ever. I´m ready to start and end the junior year with a bang. But of course, this feeling I have now isn't promised. A sphynx walks in front of me. She sprouts hair side by side. She suffers from death to the left of me, behind me she´s forever intertwined.

                                                                                                                                        Octavain A. Davis

                                                                                     Octavain A. Davis

                                                                                                                 09/26/17

                                                                                                                 English 2

                                                                                                    Essay Assignment

                                                                          System: Blatant Disrespect

I raised my hand in class.

“Yes, Octavian?” Ms. Pahomov called on me.

I waited for the class to get quiet. There was a little bit of talking. When they didn’t get quiet right away, I began to feel so disrespected.

I put my hand back down. “That’s ok.”

Jayden’s hand was also raised as he was the next person to be called on by Ms. Pahomov. He asked,

“Can you include slang in the essay, or naw?”

That was my question! Of course I had to remember that this was a new environment with new inhabitants for me. It wasn’t nearly as horrible as my past experiences which made me take this small issue to heart in the past, when I was extremely shy and much more humble. I would often experience things that no one my age should experience. This included physical destruction, sexual exposure, and horrific attitudes.

As usual, I was considered the weird kid. The one that nobody really knew until speaking with me. This is actually the reason for me making lifelong friends, of course things such as this will always have its cons. Charles, an old classmate of mine, he’s wild, obnoxious, and takes nothing serious. From the day I’ve started school, I would always end up sitting with the wild kid, need it be mentally corrupted or just plain down disrespectful.

“Yo, bro, look,” He said.

I looked down just to see him gripping his penis from the outside of his pants. Mind you, the uniforms were mandatory for school acknowledgement and their pants were sometimes thin. At this time I was extremely humble, shy, and a little afraid of authority. There would be times my teacher wouldn’t know I was there until he saw me eating alone on floors that were absolutely off limits to students. I raised my hand, but wasn’t satisfied with her seeing my handup and still just passing over me so I got her attention the only other way I knew how.

“Ms. Legan!”

She never liked me. She was what you considered a “ghetto” teacher. To this day I wish I had never met Ms. Legan. She plays a small part in why I'm a little angry at most things. I was embarrassed by her sometimes, and trust me, she’s not the only teacher. Literally, she would embarrass me. Mind you, some of the kids are still talking and this was actually my first time getting loud in school as well.

“Who you screaming at!” She said

“Ms. Legan, you need to get him!”

“You better sit down!”

“He’s over there playing with himself!”

“So! You don’t like it, then go tell the principal!”

Confused, I sat back down calling my mother soon after. I could hear the others talking in the background about me. My mom, being the awesome person she is, called up to the school's front office and talked to a few staff  members.

“Yeah baby, I talked to some of the security gua…”

My phone was hung up by two others near me. I was pissed! That's when I sort of let loose and gained a much more bolder, slightly negative attitude. I was able to get my mother back on the phone, but she could hear the anger in my voice.

“Calm down Platinum, don’t let them get to you. If nothing's done, then I'm coming up in that ____ !”

This wasn't the first time my mother had to come up, and more of a sense that we were tired of playing by the rules. We wanted something to be done, and done it was. Turns out my mom didn’t have to come up to the school, there was a security guard in there that knew me very well. He knew I wasn’t trouble, he also knew that Charles was. By him knowing this, he didn’t hesitate not one bit to handle him. I didn't see him for the rest of the day, but the security guard told me that he was taken care of. If I’m correct, I think I remember seeing him in the front office? After many experiences and many observations, the truth is, I lack true friends and I’m very unsure when it comes to happiness. I’m now highly picky with who I call “friend” and who I go places with. I actually have some seniors now that I call “friend,” but this is probably the last year I see them so when you think about it, they’re really just associates! I do believe in making others happy, just because I had bad experiences doesn't mean they should, right?  I do want to take this time to provide you with another event to kind of give you a better idea of how Ms. Legan was. I never went on class trips for your information because I was afraid of three things that would happen. I could get into conflicts with the other students, I could get disrespected to the maximum (this isn’t foreign), and possibly get embarrassed by my teacher. But me being the kind hearted fool I was, I let one of what I thought was a friend persuade me to go. A lot happened during the trip but the real action happens after, the teachers got our attention.

“Almost time to go, get y’all stuff together y’all!” She said.

I got my stuff together and I saw what looked to be our bus. Was it our bus? I don’t remember, but what I do remember is her jumping in front of me.

“Where ya going! Where ya going! You better back up!”

I backed up, but of course I had a confused look on my face. She saw that and I guess thought that was the perfect opportunity to strike. She moved her face as close as four inches to mine.

“What ya gonna do, huh! What ya gonna do?! You ain’t nothing special, you better back up! Hmm, what you think this is.”

This was one of the many times I felt a little streak of negativity retaliation and violence in me, but this time it was here to stay. I’m so glad I had self control, because believe it or not, I was really considering getting disrespectful and possibly physical with the women (age 35). Also, she had her two kids and her husband right down the street. So I guess by that being so, I guess she thought she had backup if needed. You know what’s so funny to me though, because I wasn’t like the others in my class I guess, she messed with me a lot. Oh! Did I mention her and Charles were close, she loved him. Why!? Because in her eyes he was funny! I guess you could say in her class it's bad to have your own mind, but now I’m in SLA. Yeah there are others that call me weird, but it’s to the point now I just…

I guess you can say I'm used to it, not to mention now I actually do act a bit weird. But it makes others day much brighter than mine, laughter is always needed and luckily I'm able to provide just that.

I would firstly like to discuss the reasons why the images are placed the way they are. I actually wanted to create a little bit of a depth effect (this is also why I choose the black background). I also took some advice from the Zen website provided to me which included one slide one point, contrast rules, and making it visible. I wanted to make something that makes the viewers take a double look and wonder why I created it and why are there so many odd photos, what’s the meaning?. While I would prefer viewers to use their own creative skills to find out the meaning of the slide, as with most slides the theme is pretty obvious from the first glance.  

         While positioning the images I also considered my theme and decided it would be best to position them in my opinion in the most descriptive and emotional way possible. The reason for the creature in the background that looks like a demon is actually there to symbolize me! Me being extremely antisocial I usually just sit in the back of the class quiet and observing my classmates. Finding out what they’re really about so I can know what i’m getting myself into if I do decide to talk to them. The reason why I put the bee so close is to symbolize my more playful and silly side for if I know you well this is what will be displayed by me most of the time. Now, you’re probably wondering about the door with the curious child looking in it up in the top left corner. That was meant to be far away, as I mentioned above i'm extremely antisocial and even my friends that think they know me actually have no idea what i'm truly about. They usually take my kindness for granted and one day they may see me change and stay that way for as long as we're friends.

          Now, you’re also probably wondering why I choose such odd images to create my slide. As I said in the second paragraph, the bee is there to symbolize my silly personality but also because i’m a huge fan of the subject Entomology. The door with the excessively nosy child as also mentioned in paragraph two is there to represent my true personality which is locked up and will remain in its cell until I find the right people to expose it to. And finally, the reason for the demon are numerous. One being the fact that people never tend to notice me and by my actions/hobbies being different from others really just make things worse. So instead of finding someway to change myself I sit back and see who I believe would make a good associate.