I have always felt that I have belonged to and was a part of the group, especially in the schools I was in both in Hong Kong and here in Philadelphia. While in Hong Kong there was only a little diversity and sometimes it was hard for me to be a part of the society. For one I have always enjoyed listening to American music while most people in Hong Kong listened to Asian Music. Also they have the different issues between Hong Kong and America as what I watch in youtube. So in that case it was difficult to relate. But in America, I didn’t have these issues because in America they watch and listen the same things as me, so it made it easier to belong to a group in America.

In my school, students accepted you no matter a person’s race, skin color or physical problem, so it was easy to be with others who shared the same interest. For me, I have many friends in the school that always talk to me, do homework and fun things together. This gives me the feeling that school is my other home. But when I was outside the school, the my belonging changed really fast.

The people will always judge your skin color, then they will think all the negative they know to look down at me. The worst things are the people who look down based on skin color, they group all the Asian together without recognizing that they are all from different countries. Where I came from – Hong Kong – it has different systems than China. To a person with enough knowledge, they would know the difference between Hong Kong and China, but to a person who doesn't have this  knowledge, they will think they are all same. In my experience, the people who know the place Hong Kong will think people from Hong Kong know more English than people from China. And also they will use stereotype to talk about you.

“What is your identity?” It took me a long time to find the answer to this question. Some people said that it is easy to find your identity, it’s just based on where you are born. But I don't  think it is that easy for me. I am different than the other students in my class. I came to America two years ago – I should have said I came “back” to America two years ago. After I came back to America, I always said “I am not American, but I was born here.” It just like a quote that I read, “You’re Chinese, but I’m not,” he told me, with certainty. “But I eat Chinese food.” It is saying though my parents are Chinese, but I am not the same as my parents. This quote can be used to reflect what I thought back there. Time passed,  and I learned more about my background. But most importantly, I now know more about myself, and about my identity. So now I can finally answer what my identity is to anyone.

My answer to the question “what is your identity?” is I am an Asian-American. How did I find this answer? It took me 15 years to answer but I finally understand it. When I was only starting to know about my identity I only knew I am an Asian. I was born in Hong Kong and, I knowy mother’s language is Cantonese. Those are what makes up my identity. Also it did not take a long time to change my mindset until my parents told me that I was born in America which is the opposite side of where we live in Hong Kong. After hearing that, my mindset has changed. I always asked myself “Was I Asian? Or was I something else? f I was someone else, should my mother’s language should not be Cantonese, then what is it?”

When I was in grade 8, I finally had the answer of why I was in Hong Kong if I was born in America. It was because my parents did not want me to remember the ugly side of Chinese history. So they went to America before I was born, to not remember the history of China. After that, my mindset has changed again to the question of my race, am I Asian or am I American? This question was asked to me after I came back to America. I did not get the answer immediately. Then I finally got it one year after I came back, the answer is neither Asian nor American it is Asian-American. So if a person asked me “what is your identity?” right now, I would said “I am an Asian-American, I born in America but I moved to Hong Kong to study, and after three months I was born. Then I came back to America in the year 2017.”

But to the society, my identity is just another Asian-American that was born in America to get the benefit from America. Some of them  will just look down at me. They will think since I was not from America, my English is trash and I don’t even know English. They will use all the negative things to say about you, just like your belonging.

At the end, all I can say is, I do not care! I don’t care how you look at me, if you hate me. I will live like you, eat like you, learn like you. I will keep using my answer to identity and belonging to live in America. I will keep being an Asian-American.

From Asian to Asian American

Asian American, it is what I am right now. I was born in America, but I have lived in Hong Kong for most of my life. I never considered myself an Asian American, since I only spoke Cantonese. I was just an Asian who spoke decent English. However, after coming back to America for highschool, I finally know which one I am.

After I was born, I went to my mom’s and my dad’s country of birth, which is Hong Kong. here, I learned to speak and read Cantonese, and it became my mother language. I talked to my friends and my family in Cantonese. I studied subjects in Cantonese, but a lot of people thought I was good at English since I born in America. But I was just like those who were born in Hong Kong. Although I did learn English in Hong Kong, it was just  basic English, like tenses, and simple vocabulary. English was my second language.

There are two types of Cantonese, one is from the textbook and one is from what people speak. The one from what people speak is the easier version to the one from the textbook, so when we spoke, people would understand easily. We don’t speak the one from the textbook because it doesn’t sound good, according to my dad. When I said anything, nobody had problem understanding.I understood what people said easily, in school, at home, in the restaurant, etc. No problem. Also, I never spoke differently to who I was speaking, Whether it be friends or family, I spoke the same way every time, maybe when I spoke with elderly, I may spoke politely.

I was about 14 years old, my dad said he wanted me and my older brother to go back to where I was born to study for the rest of my life, because he wanted me to have a better life in America. My first thought was that it was a joke. There was no way I was going back to where I was born. I loved being in Hong Kong. But in reality, parents can do what they say and what they want, and because of that, I moved to America after third years of Secondary.

I missed my friends in here, I missed my family in here, since only my mom was going with me, I missed my dad the most, I just didn’t want to leave without them, also back I was about 3 to 5, I heard United States can have gun and Hong Kong can’t, and I scared about getting shot in United States. I just don’t want to leave. But at the end, me, my older brother and my mom went back to where I born to kept continue study.

After I went back to America, every things were new to me, the place, the people, the lifestyle, all were new, it liked I was learning another culture. Since I was not in Hong Kong, I needed to use my second language which is English, I could say my English was suddenly getting worse when I was using English in America. Like one time when we were in a restaurant, it was my first time I went to a fast food restaurant in the United States, because my mom’s English is not good, I was the one who ordered food, and it was my first time I spoke to a person whose mother language is English in the United States, I was a bit nervous because it was my first time spoke with American, I scared about he would not understand my English, and he did. In “If Black English Isn't a Language, Then Tell Me, What Is?”, James Baldwin agrees to what language should be: “Language is also political instrument, means, and proof of power”. When I ordered the food, he had a hard time to understand my English, then my older brother saw that problem, he came to me and help me a bit. After that, we got our food and experience of how we spoke.

After the restaurant experience, I wanted to improve my English as soon as possible so that I could let people knew what I was saying and knew what they were saying, so I try to say more, write more, read more… Although I still struggle with English when I was in the school right now, at least I got better in my English compare to when I first arrived America.