This is the day

Mama wants me to stand up for myself. Mama said that I need to stop crying every time someone gives me a mean look. Mama wants a strong boy, a winner. Mama made me go on that mat and look at the other boy my weight. I never win. Mama said it would make me stronger. She said it would make me not fear the bullies. She said that the second I saw another kid across the mat I would be fearless, and I would fight. She said it would make me the bully. Mama doesn’t want a scrawny boy. She wants a big strong boy, one that looks like you.

Every match I look up at the stands, I see Mama’s face. She’s happy when I’m standing. I look over when my head is on the mat, when the boy is pushing me down. That’s when mama’s mouth turns down and her eyes look away. That’s when mama looks sad. She tells me to look at you before I leave. She tells me to look at something strong and I will feel strong.

Look at you. You are strong, you win. Every match I set up between you and Blue, you win. I need to be like you. Emotionless, yet strong. Mama wants a you. I am not a you. You wouldn’t cry every time Coach says to be stronger. You wouldn’t cry every time your head is hit to the ground, but your head would never be hit to the ground. I can’t be the bully when all I get is bullied. Looking at a stronger guy across the mat is bullying. Coach is a bully. Coach tells me to stop being a weak little boy. He says that the boys that beat me aren’t weak and they don’t cry. He says I need to be like them, I need to stop crying because it won’t get me anywhere. Him and Mama are right. I’m weak and worthless. I never win, they have nothing to be proud of. They make me do this. They all make me cry. They all make me feel weak. Mama just called up to my room, we have to go. Mama I’ll be down in a minute. I just need to get my suit on. Where are my ear protectors. Okay I found them. You are strong. I can be strong. I will be strong. This is the day I won’t cry. I will be like Red, a mighty and strong fighter. The one who wins. Plastic, but a winner. Mama doesn’t see how much I want this, how I fight, but she will see today. This is the day Mama’s mouth won’t be turned down. This is the day she will be proud. Maybe Coach won’t yell at me if I win. Maybe he’ll talk to me like he talks to the other boys.