I never really knew that you could miss someone you never even knew or met before, but I learned you can. When my mother was pregnant a couple years ago with my little brother I was so excited. Until I was told that my baby brother was premature and was too small to live. I was heartbroken.
It was 2013 and my mother had a little bun in her oven. I was so happy because not only was I not gonna be the baby anymore, I always wanted to be a big sister. I always wanted to know what it felt like to protect and look after someone who’s younger than me. My whole family was really excited about this baby especially because it was a boy and my mother already had two girls and always wanted a boy. When my mom first told me she was pregnant I honestly didn’t know how to feel. I was excited but also scared that my parents wouldn’t pay attention to me anymore. One night my mother was having really bad contractions and we started to worry, so my father drove her to the emergency room. I was up all night that night sick to my stomach worrying about my mom. My sister tried to calm me down , but she couldn’t, nothing could. My mother stayed in the hospital for about 3 days and I was told she went into labor early. After those 3 days of her being in the hospital I finally got to see her. I was so excited. I just knew she had the baby and they both were ready to come home.
As soon as I walked into to the hospital room I gave my mom the biggest hug ever. I felt a sense of relief knowing that she was okay. Something was wrong though. I didn’t see my baby brother or the little beds that they have the babies in. I was really confused but I didn’t ask any questions because I was sure I was going to see him soon. The nurse walked in my mom’s room and my mom asked me to go sit outside the door with my grandma for a bit so her and the nurse could talk. I asked my grandma what was going on and she told me my parents would explain everything once we got home. At that point I was freaking out, I didn’t know what to think.
When we got home my mom and dad called me into their room. My head was spinning with so many different questions and reasons to why they called me in here. Silence filled the room for a good 2 minutes straight. My father finally found the courage to opened his mouth and told me that my baby brother had passed away because he was premature. At that moment I felt like someone had just took my heart out of my chest and stepped on it. I walked out of my parent’s room and tears start falling from my face uncontrollably. My dad comes and brings me back into their room and he tells me that I don’t have to be scared to show them my emotions. I couldn’t even focus on what he was saying because I was to busy crying and tasting my own snot. I couldn’t talk , I didn’t want to talk I just wanted to cry and cry and cry.
As time passed by my mother and I talked about him all the time. I always and still do think about him everyday. Some days I get very sad and don’t want to be bothered. I miss him all the time. I used to ask my mom how is that even possible if I didn’t even know him. She always used to tell me that that’s a lie because I do know him, he’s my little brother, and I am his big sister and he lives inside of all of us. When I was younger I didn’t really know what she meant when she said that but as I stared to get older I understood why she always said that. We can’t predict life or control it and sometimes tragic things happened but that’s just the way life goes. Now when I am missing my brother I go talk to my mom and everyday before I leave the house I tell him I love him, kiss my hand and rub it on the blue box which his ashes are in.