“If I feel this way, why did I conform?" Victoria Yarbrough

Victoria Yarbrough

January 4, 2012

“If I feel this way, why did I conform?"

“You better go clean that room of yours or you’re not going anywhere this weekend Miss lady.”

“Ard, c’mon ma you ain’t gotta be like that.” My mom quirked an eyebrow at me as if I spoke another language at her.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, that you don’t gotta be like that.”

My mom repeated what I said phonically as if reading a dictionary’s guide on how to pronounce words.

“Eye Sed, Dat you doune gottuh bee lak dat.” She over enunciated and rolled her eyes.

“Straighten up. Save that ghetto speech for your friends, you will speak proper in this house. That’s not how you were brought up, talking that way is not cute.” I sucked my teeth,

“How is it wrong? And further more how do you know what’s wrong and what’s not when it comes to the way I speak? Did you create language?” I was insulted. But my mother didn’t want to hear any more of it. So I changed the way I spoke. I always held onto the idea that I would never change who I am or the parts that make me, but I did in fear of judgment. Even though I changed up, I always wonder to myself: Who am I, without my own individualistic ideas and ways? Why isn’t it okay to speak freely? And more importantly, if I feel this way, why did I conform?

The people in my house detest my use of slang or modern gestures; they believe that it is distasteful and therefore wrong.  My feelings however, counteract the opinions of my elders. How could it be, when it evolved from the slang of their generations? Who are they to decide on what's proper and what is not? I personally believe that language is what you make it, that’s the point of it. Language was created so people can express themselves. We all have different ways of expressing ourselves, so how could one way possibly be the right way? It isn’t hard to speak ‘properly’- whatever that is- but it’s not necessarily what I want to do all of the time.

My mother thinks that the way you speak can give away where you come from, and where you’re headed like James Baldwin in “If Black English isn’t a language, then tell me what is”. He brings up the same point and talks about how it can divorce you from the public or the major identity. And In a way their both right, if you went to a job interview speaking the latest slang of the streets, you’re more than most likely not going to get that job. This doesn’t exactly mean that you’re not eligible however, or that you’re wrong for showing who you actually are, but it does mean that you’re being judged. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t change my voice up depending on whom I’m around. And here is where I contradict myself, but then again maybe not. Switching around is apart of who I am too. In school, I speak differently than I do around my family. And when I do it, I do it effortlessly

“Yo dawg, you’re not gonna beat me in Tekken, I’mma pick Steve Fox and go in on that ass.” My cousin Vernon says.

“Chill, Christie gonna tear you up, yam’ sayin?” I retort.

This is the typical conversation at any of my cousins’ houses. We play video games and exchange intimidating remarks. At school however, it’s a tad bit different.

“Um, Can you pass me the stapler please and thank you? I need to staple this and get it to Mr. Reddy or he’ll kill me.” I sweetly ask any one of my peers.

“Yeah sure! Here you go.” They may reply. If that were one of my cousins, they would not have been asked so nicely, our conversation would not have been about stapling papers in the first place.

That day when my mother told me that the way I spoke was “not cute.”, I made a mental note to speak proper around her and any other adult. I put a chain on my tongue because I don’t want to be viewed, as something I’m not, even if the way I speak can’t determine what I am. I want to lessen my chances of judgment as much as I can. All in all, switching the way I speak isn’t too bad. I can confuse both adults and teenagers alike, by switching up just a few words. In a way, I have the upper hand in most conversations. In my eyes, that is never a bad thing.