I Don't Know

I don’t know. That’s all I’ve been saying lately. It seems like I don’t even know myself. I don’t know how I feel. I mean I do, but I don’t at the same time. I don’t understand how you can know but not know how you feel. It’s confusing to me and I’d rather not even try to explain it. I don’t know what words to use to describe how I feel. I’m not even sure I could string together enough sense to make sense of what this feeling is. You just feel it, there’s no name for it not even a vast vocabulary could describe this. My only explanation is through metaphors and similes. It’s like light shining after a long darkness. Not an eye stinging early morning light, but peaceful. Like the warm sun shining over your face while the light flickers off of your irises and makes them look clear and bright. Its like that nervous butterfly feeling you get mixed with a little despise. It’s a weird plot twist that can but cannot be explained. There are emotions that conflict but don’t seem to come anywhere near each other.

Her long hair always seems to tangle and intertwine between my fingers. I love the way her fingers stroke the back of my neck, while I burry my face in her neck resting my chin on her collar bone. When she sees me her grey irises grow wide and her smile becomes soft. Looking up at my bedroom ceiling I think of the way her brown cheeks look. How there’s a faint red in those cheeks, and they feel like rose petals beneath my fingers. I know she’s not mine, and she may never be mine. But how long is never really? Never could end tomorrow, there’s a light in this woman’s soul. That just might put an end to the dark road I’ve been traveling on.

 Do I make sense? Or is this just too confusing. Its just one of those things you have to know personally to understand, but does that really matter? Because I know the feeling and even I don’t understand. I keep second-guessing myself on what this feeling means. I think from now on I’ll just call it “that feeling” ‘cause it’s really just that feeling. That feeling you get when something beyond what you were expecting happens, and in that moment the flutter of a heart beat against eardrums and constricting arms become home. I swear I could sleep in her arms forever.