Finding me
Intro: This essay is about finding my true identity. I struggle with two identities my school identity was agreeing with everything. Monkey see, Monkey do whatever you like I like. My school identity was not really me and it would spill over into the house which caused conflicts. I start off with a reflection of a scene that paints a picture in the reader's head and gives you an idea of the environment I was in.
Sweat drips, drips, drips when I walk into my new class. My legs are shaking to the point where I can’t lift them up to walk so I drag them. Once I walk in and I’m met with 19 unfamiliar faces. Left, right, left, right. The teacher points to my seat, I go to my seat without an answer. I’m next to a blonde haired kid with thick glasses. He introduced himself as Aaron disregarding the teacher talking in the front of the classroom. I introduce my self. Aaron saw I was the only black fifth-grade kid, and he asks a question: “ Since your dark do you taste like chocolate?” before I could process this question I turn around to a tongue to my left cheek. Aaron licked me to see if I tasted like chocolate. I knew then that I would have to figure out who I was as a person.
My mom went to law school in Harrisburg and attended Penn State University. That means we had to move from Philadelphia. I didn’t really care because I was in second grade but I was also unaware of the possibility that the move would change my identity and make me veer away from my culture. Beast of The Southern Wild it shows, Hushpuppy and her people were taken from there way of living. Hushpuppy was use to catching their food and going out into the wilderness to a place where they were contained inside all day. It was a big change from Philadelphia. We went from a big city to a small town named Carlisle. Carlisle was so small, everything was next to everything.
“ The self that I attempted to take out into the world was rejected over and over again and my panic at not having a self that fit and the confusion that came from myself being rejected created anxiety and shame” This quote was stated from Thandie Newton an actress. I tried to give the real me to the world and it seemed the world didn’t want to accept my real self. I dealt with this by changing the way I spoke, the way I laughed, and even the stuff I used to like I would change them to other things. For three years I didn't have any diversity which changed my identity at home. All my friends were white there was no variety in my school which I think every kid needs. My grandma would cook some Spanish food and I wanted some cheeseburgers and half the time I didn’t like Spanish food because I couldn´t understand why my friends weren´t eating that type of food. I felt like I couldn´t be my true self in middle school at all.
One question that I look back on, is when did I start reclaiming my true identity? I didn’t start finding my true identity until I moved out of Carlisle. Carlisle was made for a small town and farm raised a family. We were a city family. So my mom and I moved after she graduated and I didn’t want to move because I was already comfortable. When I moved I finally experienced diversity where I was with all kinds of races which lead me to communicate and have more things in common with some of the kids and that's what started to bring out my true identity.
In conclusion, I always think you're a product of your environment. I had an Uncle that went to Jail for three years of his life and he was never the same. Jail changed him in ways I don’t even know today. Imagine going to your family everyday eating what you want, sleeping when you want, go outside to being told what to do at 40 years old. My Uncle had to adjust just like I had to when I moved back from Carlisle to Philadelphia. I wasn’t the same person coming back it took time to adjust to my environment and know I can proudly say I found my true identity and I’m proud of the journey I took to find my identity.
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