All I had

I don’t have much time left, I must tell you something. You are the only person I have. Please, listen to me now. I fear silence. Aching from inside body, chewing and slurping my flesh, forcing myself trembling. I was born in 1929. In age of 14 I lost my mother, which had broken me apart. She was in fact my only parent, because my father left us when I was 5. She raised me, taught me everything. My grandmother took me and gave me love and hope. Hope for better life. When I was a child, I wanted to become a pilot, because I lived in a small town, which you can hardly find on the map. I wanted to visit other places to see how people live there. Living in a town where everyone knows everybody is awkward because you know all the people around you and they know you and there is a very small theoretical chance of meeting someone really interesting. So because of all that said, in age of 22, I moved to Boston. For the first few weeks, I felt disgusting and awkward. I couldn’t handle the number of people around me and every time they were different. I had troubles with money, so I began working in a diner. Working there helped me with forgetting about this huge mass of people. After a year of working in diner, I felt sort of disappointment in my life. I had no idea which path I want to follow in my life. I was lost and empty inside and for me there was no difference where to go or what to do with myself. I had no motivation outside of going studying somewhere, to get a job somewhere and eventually even dying somewhere. So I chose to join the military. I’ve never wanted to serve in an army, because it didn’t seem perspective for my ambitious mind in the past, but now, I had no intentions to do something with my life. In 1953, I started my service in Air Force which, ironically, was partly the realization of my childhood dreams. I was cut from all the world, nobody knew where I was and what I was doing and honestly, there was nobody to think about me. My grandmother already died in 1949, so I didn’t have anyone and that’s the best part of the military when you have nothing to lose and nobody can lose you, serving in the military becomes less stressful. Flying was a real pleasure, you feel loneliness, but not surrounded by somebody or something. All the sky was completely yours and I became truly happy, I was enjoying my every day, because I knew that I’m going to fly again. But my happiness ended in 15 years after I joined USAF. In 1968, I was shipped to Vietnam. When I found out that I’m going there, I felt myself an idiot. During 15 years of my USAF service, I never thought that I will fight for my country. Flying was the only pleasure in life I had, but I never ever thought that my pleasure would become a weapon. The Aircraft I was flying was a F-4D “Phantom”. I will never forget my first flight in Vietnam. I was responsible for monitoring and supporting the aircraft which was bombing forests. I saw land on fire as I imagined the size of the flame. I was shocked that All that we were doing there was considered very crucial to our campaign. Covering hundreds square miles by toxins, burning huge forests and bombing villages with innocent people. After my time in Vietnam, flying became a fear. I resigned from USAF after I was moved back to the States. My life became a nightmare, my only pleasure was used for killing people and destroying the country. I lost my only pleasure in life and I never found it again. For 40 years I was not living, I was only being. I adopted you, because I hoped that you would become my life value, but it didn’t happen. I had no friends, no hope. I am a really bad parent who, in fact, doesn’t like his only child. I was suffering just because nothing pleased me. And now in 2018 I’m so tired, so I can’t live anymore. I have cancer which empties me from inside. I have only about a week left. You don’t deserve a parent like me. Forgive me.