The beginning of eighth grade was a stressful period. I was ready to graduate, but I also wanted to perform well. Every year, our school would split the group of 80 students between four different advisors. I was given the advisor I had hoped to receive, which made me even more excited to start the school year. The previous few years I had spent at that school were a large period of discovery. Since I was still considered a new student, I was struggling to come to terms with my identity and personality, so I often attempted to hide these qualities to be more liked. This year, I wanted to show more of my true self.

When I first saw my classroom, I immediately noticed that the room was spacious. Desks were lined into columns which made it easier to move throughout the area. However, I could not focus on examining the room because my concentration shifted to my classmates. They all had wide smiles plastered on their faces, but their nervous eyes revealed their insecurity. We were all afraid to begin a new year, despite eighth grade being regarded as an easy experience.

Throughout the next few months, the class environment was extremely positive. Since the entire student body was focused on graduating, there was little drama and a large amount of kindness. Because of this, I began to feel more optimistic. I was able to act the way I wanted and still feel like I was fitting in. I was confident that things would stay this way until the end of the year.

Eventually, the class became more restless. The days until graduation felt like they were increasing. As a result, the environment speedily shifted from constructive and accepting to negative and cold. The friendliness disappeared. False identities began to fade, revealing true colors. Meanwhile, my identity hid behind the same false one from years back. I was afraid of the consequences of my identity, as students were belittled for having personality traits similar to mine. I thought that changing to fit the school’s new norms would make me happier.

As the year progressed, I wrestled with the idea of having to lie about myself. I was unable to realize if I felt truly happy or not. I was still making friends because of my false identity, but at the cost of my character. Despite this, I still pushed my new self. To many, the idea of having a fake identity is reassuring because it is a survival tactic. However, the human desire to create false identities creates an imbalance between the real and the false characteristics. Real identities become altered by artificial personality traits.

In F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, the main character, Jay Gatsby, lies about his identity to fit in with richer society. He dons a new name and alters his entire past to create a new personality for himself. Further in the book, this new identity is exposed as a front, and the narrator, Nick, discusses Gatsby’s lies with the reader. He claims that “Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter…” (The Great Gatsby, 180) Throughout the story, the green light is constantly utilized as a representation of Gatsby’s hopes. He chases after his hope because it allows him to feel fulfilled. Growing up in a poor family, Gatsby always dreamed of fitting in with the upper class. Thus, he lies about his identity to connect to those he thought he had a relation to, as he had always been chasing an high-class life. However, this desire becomes maleficial to Gatsby. He is viewed as an entirely different person from his past self because of his constant attempts to alter his character. Thus, Gatsby’s change in identity allowed him to fit in at a cost of losing parts of his prior self.

Like Gatsby, I began to realize I was acting differently, even when talking to teachers or at home. This insincere personality was beginning to affect my life in major ways. I was disconnected from others and myself. Impoliteness became a regularity; apathy made me seem compelling. I would pretend I was uninterested in conversations for a few laughs. I would sit in my same classroom, but it felt different. The space became limited and the room felt smaller. In an attempt to fit into my environment, I had lost my identity.

From this point onward, I struggled to redeem my true identity. I worked constantly to remove new negative habits. I attempted to connect with classmates who were willing to be themselves. I changed my manners at home and with teachers. I was afraid to be remembered as a person I did not want to become.

In the film Beasts of the Southern Wild, Hushpuppy, a child who lives with her father, experiences life in an uninhabited area. While Hushpuppy describes her life, she tells the listeners that she is “recording [her] story for the scientists in the future.” She then tells us that “in a million years, when kids go to school, they gonna know: once there was a Hushpuppy, and she lived with her daddy in The Bathtub” (Beasts of the Southern Wild, Released 27 June, 2012). In this quote, Hushpuppy is showing the human need to be remembered for our identity. She wants to be remembered as Hushpuppy from The Bathtub, and not an unnamed child from an unknown place. Hushpuppy’s desire to be remembered stems from her living conditions. She was afraid of being forgotten because she inhabited a closed off society. There are no scientists in her community, proving that her fear is real. The creator of the movie uses Hushpuppy’s struggle to represent society’s fear of not being known by those outside of their community.

In this instance, I felt like Hushpuppy. I was afraid that I would be forgotten, and forget myself, because I was not showing my identity to those around me. I was closed off from the rest of my class because I feared that I would not be remembered for my character. I created a fake one to counteract this, which eventually made me fear being remembered as somebody I was not.

By the end of the school year, I was able to reestablish who I was. The students I attempted to connect with became close friends, and I passed through the last weeks of school confident in myself and my new relationships. By graduation, I was excited for high school. Instead of putting on a facade, I hoped to create genuine connections by not losing my individuality again.

At some point in our lives, we go through a difficult phase. A phase where we don’t know who we are or why we matter, a phase of questioning our existence and motivation to keep progressing. This phase doesn’t creep up on us and, it can really hurt from where it began. Losing a loved one, dreams crushed, failure, poor health, pain, stress; the list goes on for eternity. It hits us just like a snap of a finger and we had no way of knowing.

When we are lost, we have no feelings, we have no opinion, we are empty. A clean slate. One may think this could be the worst thing in the world because it doesn’t make you human. Thandie Newton had a TED talk on the value or non-value of having a “self.” She quoted, “I always wondered why I could feel others' pain so deeply, why I could recognize the somebody in the nobody. It's because I didn't have a self to get in the way. I thought I lacked substance and the fact that I could feel others' meant that I had nothing of myself to feel. The thing that was a source of shame was actually a source of enlightenment.” If you have no feelings, you’re perceived as damaged, but this is an advantage in life because we get to see and learn more. Newton was able to see others’ emotions and understand them because she was lost. It’s “a source of enlightenment” where we can discover new things in our lives. Being lost is like not having an identity and no identity means no judgment. You can see all the options from the different point of views and from there, you can make choices of your own.

An example of someone who feels like they have no identity is Ta-Nehisi Coates, the author of Between the World and Me. In his book, he talks about how school was one of the ways that made him lost. As stated by Coates, “I did not master the schools, because I could not see where any of it could possibly lead” (115). In many cases, students wonder when the information they are given will apply to the real world hence Coates stating “I could not see where any of it could possibly lead.” The idea of not knowing what to do leads to the sense of one being lost because they do not understand the purpose of it all. He became lost because he was confused about the options that were just handed to him.

But this is where Coates was able to see everything as it is. At first, he believed that the world was cruel for people of color like himself and that it was almost entirely impossible to change that. However, when he was lost, he was able to discover more  opinions that he hadn’t thought about. He observed how people like himself and people who are completely different from him behaved. He saw individuality, selfishness, fear, confidence, and much more. Through this, he was able to re-accept himself in his own ways while understanding the choices and behaviors of others even if he doesn’t agree with them. From understanding more of what confused him , Coates was able to grow more as a person and still have the advantage of an open mind.

Times when I went through this dark phase was when I’ve lost people who I thought couldn’t live without. I’ve had a recent experience of being lost when I was peeling green beans. I was annoyed by the task but it didn’t matter because I had to help cook if I wanted to eat. My mother walked towards me as she walked out of the kitchen. “What happened to Nasir? You guys haven’t been talking much lately,” she asked concerningly but casually.

“Nothing happened,” I responded monotony. I blanked out because I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t thinking about him before but now I am, which  put me in an off mood. She continued to ask me random questions that I didn’t know the answers to. Did I do this, did he do that, did he get a new girlfriend, did you guys fight? I didn’t really know why or what happened. I already accepted that it was okay for humans to change their feelings, but I questioned why it was always them to change their minds. Was it me? Was I not enough or am I just someone who eventually becomes unwanted? It was my third time going through a relationship and they all ended the same way.

But now looking back, I can prove myself wrong. I discovered that for me, love from another person is never enough because true love comes within. Other people may need someone to show them love but, it’s different for me. I only looked at love in one direction, one image, one meaning, one way but the state of being lost showed me otherwise. It forced me to open the doors that were behind me, the doors that I ignored and found unappealing. But the new doors were what I was missing. They were the perspectives that I had never even thought about yet they were the ones that I learned the most from. I picked and chose what I didn’t like and what I do like. I chose me.

Life hits us like a snap of a finger because it’s carving the right path to ourselves. It forces us to be at our worst so we can discover what makes us feel best. But the idea of being lost has more purpose than to smash us down and then rebuild. It’s to break down the walls that narrow our horizon of the things we ignore and don’t know, and then rebuild. The state of the lost phase is truly when we can become the better versions of ourselves because not only can we find ourselves again but we can also understand others. Understanding other beliefs, opinions, thoughts and ideas more will prevent ourselves from becoming lost again.  

Scene of memory

Shhh. Silence. I told myself throughout my middle school career.

I barely spoke I don’t know why I had so much fear.

From my head to my toe, silence was my only solution.

So I barely spoke all the years of middle school that was basically my conclusion.

My peers asked,” Why don’t you talk.”

I responded with a shrug of my shoulders

I never spoke and my silence was tough like a boulder.

I still got work done that wasn’t even an issue.

I got all A’s man but the silence I still continued.

I was too nervous to speak I didn’t know what to say.

I go to bed and wake up and do it again the next day.

That all changed when I went to high school and track came along.

My voice became clear and my courage became strong.

I felt like I belong

I’m no longer afraid

to talk to my peers without the shade

Sun light the silence will fade

Spray the silence away with the raid.

Two sides of the same brown penny

Silence or not my courage is now plenty.

In the U.S. there is always the constant idea of belonging. People are always trying to find a place, group, or even gang to find where people share the same ideas you share. That’s why when people are in a group they feel more comfortable because they feel like they can contribute to their group. That’s why we connect with family because we’re with them for the majority of our life. When we leave the house we need to have the sense of belonging again. This belonging can be a blessing but also a curse and blind people because of belonging.

In a news report from, CNN written by, Amanda Enayati, called “The Importance of belonging” talks about the science and psychology of belonging and it states, “‘Belonging is a psychological lever that has broad consequences,’ writes Walton. ‘Our interests, motivation, health and happiness are inextricably tied to the feeling that we belong to a greater community that may share common interests and aspirations.’” The idea that this quote demonstrates is everyone experiences the idea of belonging that when they don’t have anybody they’ll start feeling lonely. They start being taken advantage of if they’re desperate and will face “broad consequences.” It’s because we all share “common interests” that we think people wouldn’t want to take advantage of one another but in reality people don’t always share the same “aspirations”. It’s because belonging is a “psychological” thing that sometimes it can cause us to be blind to even the most obvious forms of  being taken advantage of.

On the other hand, in a article called “On Belonging” by Marianna Pogosyan Ph.D., she talks about good and bad things about belonging with researchers to back her up and it states,” Belonging, thus, offers "reassurance that we are not alone," says Ms. Hattaway. That it’s not just us, even at times of loneliness and isolation (whether as newcomers to a college, or a foreign country).” From this point of view you can see how belonging can make you feel at home. It helps you understand you “are not alone”, no matter where you came from, no matter you’re identity, you’re never alone and you don’t have to be. When you try to recieve belonging it can make you vulnerable for the first few stages but when or if the people accept you, then you feel happiness and comfort. Being isolated and not being around others can be unhealthy and can have consequences if you’re alone to long but, when you have people that support you the pain, the joy, the sadness, can be shared so you don’t have to go through life alone. You have “reassurance” that people (or rather friends) have your back especially when you’ve been friends for a long time. Time can play a huge role in belonging to because if you’ve been in a group, partner, etc. for awhile you’ll view them as more trustworthy compared to a first encounter with a person because with the first encounter you haven’t had enough time to even get to know the person so you wouldn’t be sure if they even share you ideas or not. That’s why time and belonging also go hand and hand.      

Also in the Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald, a character named Jay Gatsby was looking for belonging with a girl named Daisy and found it but had to leave because of his duties as a soldier so Daisy ended up being married to a man named Tom. Around 5 years later Jay found Daisy again. In this quote it talks about how Daisy has to choose either Tom or Jay and it starts off with Jay saying,”’Daisy that’s all over now,’ he said earnestly.’It doesn’t matter any more. Just tell him the truth-that you never loved him-and it’s all wiped out forever.’...She began to sob helplessly. ‘I did love him once -but I loved you too.” This quote demonstrates the idea that Jay is really pressing on Daisy to make her be with him even though she has a husband. The thing is that Jay and Daisy had a history together in the past and that relationship, that belonging has stayed in both of their hearts that they both yearn for something like that. The problem is that Daisy found that belonging with Tom and Jay is stuck by himself still yearning for that belonging and love. You can tell Daisy still has feelings for Tom when she said “but I loved you too” and it’s an interesting choice of words there because Daisy says loved like she use to love Jay and too meaning I loved you in the past which probably made Jay feel hurt that the person that he was looking for after their first encounter ended up loving another man. You can see how obsessed Jay is while trying to get back with this woman, and he is trying to make Daisy say she never ever loved Tom. Jay is probably thinking that only he belongs to Daisy and only Daisy belongs to him.

As a recap when you yearn for belonging it can be your best friend. Knowing that others share what you feel can be a really good feeling. It helps you go through life without the world on your shoulders. On the other hand, searching for belonging blindly can be very dangerous and can come with consequences, like being taken advantage of. This is why you need to be careful if you searching for belonging and look for signs to see in you’re being taken advantage or if the person/ group your with is legit.  

Growing up as a young man, you’re taught to “man up,” and deal with things on your own. The thing is everyone needs a helping hand sometimes despite how strong you are. There were times where I needed a helping hand when I was in a vulnerable state. One of those times was in 9th grade around the end of the school year.

       I woke up feeling drained and to my surprise, my throat was killing me. My eyes were barely open and I slowly trailed to my mom’s bedroom. The terrible thought of swallowing and feeling like someone is sliding sandpaper down my throat was excruciating. These feelings were only a few symptoms of strep throat. My mom in a quiet tone, “Can you please take me to the emergency room? My throat is killing me.” She replies, “Of course, just tell me what’s wrong while we get ready.” I explained to her it feels like I have people scratching the inside of my throat to the point that it burned. We assumed I had strep throat again so we immediately get into the car and head to the ER. This morning ride on such a dreadful day of my life felt like forever. Every time I wanted to swallow, it brought tears to my eyes and a slight flinch joined the pain as well. Not to mention the lack of sleep I had which only made it worse. We arrived at the ER at around 5:30 AM with nothing stopping us to get checked into the hospital. In the hospital room, it was bright and smelled like it was just cleaned. My mom and I sat waiting for the doctor. He was pretty tall had brown hair, and was wearing the typical doctor scrubs. After he asked us for our general information he began to examine me. I tried to ignore the strong pain in the back of my throat and the slight feeling of a headache beginning to creep up. After the examination, the doctor says with a smile, “There are no signs of strep throat, there’s just some redness and swollen lymph nodes. There is nothing to be worried about.” My shoulders dropped as a sign of relief. My mom took the small piece of paper with the prescription of the medicine that should cure the intolerable pain in my throat. Sadly that wasn’t the truth about my situation.

People don’t always have to be hurt or sick to need a helping hand. A person could get yourself into trouble without meaning to. Or be involved with something that wasn’t their fault. Another moment where I needed one was in 8th grade, and I was in the situation where I was involved with something that wasn’t my fault.

“Kai, I just want you to be the best person you can be, but clearly this email says otherwise,” my mom says in disappointment. The side of the lunchroom I sat on was in a complete mess. Spaghetti noodles on the wall, meatballs on the floor, tomato sauce on the table. It was complete chaos around me. While this was going on I was minding my business just eating my lunch. My teacher emailed all the parents of the kids that sat in that section even though I had no part in it. The teacher explained, “ None of the children that had a part in this would be able to go on the 8th-grade class trip,” which ripped the heart out of my chest. That was going to be the best thing of the whole school year. A good time at lunch that left smiles around all of the people around me left me in disbelief. I told my mom my side of the story and she emailed the teacher back. It wasn’t a long email something short and straight to the point. She said, “My child had no part and I don’t think he should be penalized for the events that took place at lunch.” A sparkle of hope began to form in my mind hoping that I would still have a chance to go to the 8th-grade class trip.

I’m not saying I wouldn’t be able to live my life without my mom assisting me every step of the way, but when she’s around it’s a big help. Without the help of others from time to time life would be hard being on your own. You could be the strongest man on Earth but if you get badly injured you would need someone to help take care of you, and it’s okay to ask for help. Without my mom and other support systems around me, I would be a helpless mess.